Happy Birthday Pappy

Who is Pappy? Pappy was my Aunt, my Godmother and my Friend. She passed away at home while I held her hand couple of years ago. I know it sounds like a huge cliche - but I think of her everyday. I still grieve her passing and often wonder if there is something wrong with me as I seem stuck. 

In my life I have lost my Great Grandmother, both sets of Grandparents, another Aunt and my Father. I grieved and I was able to move forward. However with my Aunt, I am stuck in some kind of limbo land of grief - some days it can be unbearable.

Pappy and her little pooch Sally.

Pappy wasn't the name she was born with, it was a name I gave her when I was young and just learning to speak. I was unable to pronounce her name and at some point I began referring to her as 'Pappy' and it stuck. She was the kind of person that I could talk to about anything without fear of judgement and she also had a fantastic sense of humour.

On the odd occasion I swear I have felt her presence.... One night just after I got into bed I was thinking about something or another (not related to my Aunt) and as clear as day I heard 'Hi love'. It was her voice and she sounded as though she were standing right beside the bed. The other thing was that she used to always call me 'love'.

It was interesting, just the other day I read an article about Maggie Smith, it was an interview about Downton Abbey, Fame and Loss. She spoke about losing her husband and what she said hit the nail on the head:- 

“They say it goes away, but it doesn’t. It just gets different,” she said.
“It’s awful, but what do you do? After the busyness you are more alone, much more. A day that is absolutely crowded keeps your mind away from why you are alone, but when it stops there is deafening silence.” 

I know she was talking about her husband, but I can relate to what she said so well. It doesn't go away and yes once the busyness is over your mind falls back into its natural thought process. For me I can't visit, ring or email my Aunt - Call it selfish but sometimes I feel like she left me. I know I shouldn't think this, because it wasn't her choice, but I do feel like that sometimes. 

A fairy I gave her for her garden. It now sits in my dinning room.

She gave me some of her belongings before she passed and I still to this day cannot bring myself to go through her things. Maybe that's why I'm stuck? Maybe it isn't. But for now I know I still don't feel ready to go through the items she gave me.

EDIT:- It was Pappy's birthday yesterday when I wrote this post. I wasn't going to publish it as I wrote it more for my own benefit. Then last night I did some Goggling on the duration of the 'natural' grieving process and I found this article:-

One of the most common questions I’m asked, both as a therapist and as someone who writes about grief, is how long it lasts. How long will I grieve? Does it ever end?

My answer is always the same: It’s different for everyone. But I can tell you that grief almost always lasts longer than the people around you expect it to.

Sometimes people are surprised when I tell them that grief can last years. Others are relieved to hear this, because they already know it to be true.

So maybe I'm not stuck after all.