10 Day You Challenge - Day Two - Nine Loves

Day Two - Nine Loves

1. My wife - I have listed my wife as my first love as she is not only my wife, but she is my best friend. We met thirteen years ago (I had to use a calculator to work that one out sshhhh lol) when we were working together. I had already made a pact with myself years before, that I would never get involved with anyone I worked with, because if it didn't work out.... It could just get messy. To be honest, I had no idea that she liked me. I'm not particularly good at picking up on signals or hints. If you want me to know something.... I'm afraid you're going to have to spell it out or even better, draw me a picture lol Which she did lol Oh, and never say never lol

My wife and I on our first segway ride

We are the kind of couple that goes out, and does things together. For example, I don't have a separate group of friends, that I go out with on the side - we have the same group of friends that we socialise with. However, we also have our own interests, we're not a Stepford couple lol For example, I like to paint ceramics and while I do that, my wife may play her piano or she may cross stitch while I play on the computer or read. Even though we have things in our lives that we do as individuals, we still spend time together, even it's just watching a movie or going out for a simple meal together.

2. Food - I love food! For a number of years I was a vegetarian and ate vegan where possible. However when I started taking the medication that I'm taking today, I started craving meat. The only way I can describe it, is when you hear about women who are pregnant, and start craving things that they would not normally eat. So meat is now in my diet again, along side vegetarian dishes. I'm not a picky eater and I will try anything at least once. I also love to cook and try new recipes, even if the ending result is a disaster..... You live and learn! :)

3. Music - I cannot read music or play an instrument. God only knows I have tried lol. I love music. To me music can be an emotion, it can be a memory and it can make you think. The right music, played at the right time is perfection. I admire anyone with any kind of musical talent, because it takes dedication and passion, and I feel that these two traits are often missing from people today.

4. Halloween - What can I say? I live in Australia. Yes Halloween is growing in popularity, but we still live in a country that is divided by two camps. The first camp being: Halloween is commercial American garbage and we are Australian! The second camp is: Halloween is not American, chill out, stop whinging and have some fun! I'm in the second camp lol When I was a child I used to watch the American TV shows, and wish we had Halloween. Of course we didn't. However, as an adult I now decorate our house and throw a Halloween party every year! :)

5. Cold weather - I love the cold, I love snow, I love those rainy days where you just close the front door, and curl up on the lounge in front of a good movie. This is a funny comment coming from someone, who now lives on the coast, surrounded by beaches where it gets very, very hot (yuck)! We do get a lot of rain, but with that comes humidity (also yuck). We used to live in the mountains, and winter was just brilliant! There's just nothing that compares to snow gently falling to the ground, while you're inside by an open fire.

6. Being a hermit - I'm not afraid to say that I enjoy my own company. I can keep myself amused for hours on end! I don't have the need to frequent shopping centres, clubs, pubs, parties, events etc. . . Of course I do go out, my wife and I will go out for lunch occasionally. However, we often go to places that are not over run with people, as all the noise generated by them grates on my nerves. If we do go to a shopping centre etc, we often go early and leave early to avoid the crowds.

7. Retro - Call me old, but I just can't move forward with the times lol My taste in clothes hasn't changed in years lol I wear almost a 'uniform' of jeans and shirts or shorts and t-shirts. I haven't heard a new song that I've fallen in love with for years, and when I mean new, I mean newly written, not a new cover... I love retro art, music, cars, movies, etc. Yes, I'm old. lol

8. Candles - I don't buy candles as much as I would like to, mostly because I can't see my money in them, the way I used too. Years ago, I used to buy candles a lot! The problem is, that all those years ago when I used to buy candles, they weren't 'popular' then. I bought them because I liked the mood they created, the scent that they emitted and the overall look of them in a room. But now, candles are very vogue and with vogue comes the price tag. 

These days, when I can, I tend to buy my candles from art and craft markets. Yes, they still carry the price tag, but I would rather support the 'little guy', who I know has put the effort in. Don't get me wrong, I have and still do purchase candles from the shopping centre stores, and their candles are just as nice, I just prefer to put my money in a smaller pocket.

9. Learning - We should never stop learning! If you believe that you know all you need to know, one day you are going to have a rude awakening! There are so many things in the world, that we need to open our eyes and minds too. Just the other day I started an E Course, which I mentioned in my Lisa Williams post. I'm not saying that you need to fork out money, that you don't have and enroll in a course, no not at all. Look around you, listen to other people, pick a topic out of thin air and look it up on you tube! Seriously lol I have learnt so many things from watching you tube clips :)

You can borrow a book from a friend or library, watch a documentary, talk to an elderly person, talk to a child.... Yep, even children can teach you things, they don't see the world the way we do. You could ask a family member or friend what is involved in their job. In this day and age we have so many opportunities right in front of us, don't ignore the chances you have to broaden your mind. You'll never hear anyone say that they regretted learning something! :) 

10 Day You Challenge - Day One - Ten Secrets

I'm plugging Behind Green Eyes blog again lol She always has the best ideas for fun blog posts. So I have stolen this idea from her, which is going to be so much better than my last post! (Well it's supposed to be, I could be wrong)

Day One - Ten Secrets

1. Apart from my wife and my sister, there are no other real life family or friends who read my blog. This is also the same with Twitter. I am aware that there are friends of mine who have Twitter accounts, however I keep my blog and Twitter separate from Facebook. Should my blog and Twitter friends find me on facebook, I am more than happy to add them, just not the other way around.

2. I have always wanted to purchased an old bomb of a car or motorbike and restore it. However, I don't have the mechanical skills required for such a task lol Nor do I have the time, money or space to learn or attempt to undertake such a task.

3. I have a small heart tattoo on the upper right side of my chest. I had the tattoo done when I was sixteen, I lied about my age lol :) I choose that particular design, as at the time I felt unloved and that I would never find love. I've never regretted getting it, as it is a reminder of who I was and who I am now.

4. I hate public transport, especially trains. Years ago I actually went through a period, where I used to have anxiety attacks on trains. I don't know why, the swaying doesn't bother me, but I definitely don't like the smell of them and they always look incredibly dirty.

5. I have an appalling short term memory. Perhaps this is why I was so crap at school lol. My wife will tell me something and the minute her words hit my ears.... They're gone. So it's needless to say, anything that's important is written down or put on the calendar.

6. I'm not afraid to shed people in my life who cause me grief or negativity. I'm not one of those people, who feels the need to constantly surround themselves with 'friends'. Life is too short to put up with bull$hit.

7. Although my friends may say, that I am an outgoing - social person. I'm actually quite the opposite. If I had the choice between going out or staying home, I will choose staying home. When I say going out, I mean to a party or event. My wife an I go out for lunch when we can, which suits us better than going out for dinner. I think it would surprise certain friends to know this about me.

8. I am superstitious. For example:- when I was a kid, one Friday the 13th a black cat crossed my path as I was walking to school. When I walked home with my sister I was hit by a car. So yes, I do tend to err on the side of caution when it comes to such silly things lol

9. I talk to my Labrador Angel. I have no idea if she understands me lol She looks at me when I talk to her, and she appears to be listening, but as for actually understanding I have no idea. It's probably more like the different tones of my voice, that gets her attention. In the past I have also, in my head, spoken to my deceased Grandparents, Father and Aunt. That's nice isn't it? I lump them in with speaking to my dog! LOL! They, like my dog never answer me. I'd probably need a pair of new undies if they did lol

10. It takes me all my time to remain composed when I am out, and I see badly behaved children. Often the badly behaved children are accompanied by badly behaved parents. I just want to slap the parents and ask them what they doing?!?! Manners and common decency, I'm afraid have become a thing of the past and rudeness, and ignorance have become the acceptable alternative.

One Photo Every Hour

Last Saturday I thought it would be great to take a photo every hour and write a post about it lol At the time I thought it would be really interesting..... I must have been bored stupid at the time!! lol Since I took the photos I have um-ed and ah-ed whether to post them or not. Today, I figured that since I took the photos, I may as well post them..... My day really wasn't all that interesting lol! If I ever do it again, which I probably won't, but if I do... I'll do it on a day  where I spend more time away from home. Read on if you dare, this really is the most mundane post I have ever written!

The first photo was taken in the dark of my alarm clock, I also used instaweatherpro to show you what kind of day it was outside... Cold and wet.

Next was breakfast. I have to be honest I absolutely hate breakfast, so I always have something quick like toast or cereal. Up until recently, I hadn't eaten breakfast for years. The only reason I eat it now, is because if I don't, my morning medication makes me ill.

After downing that horrible stuff called breakfast and having a shower, it was time to go out, thankfully the rain cleared for a bit. The first stop was a pet shop near where we live, they were having a fund raiser for a local pet shelter. I'm also pleased to say this pet shop does not sell dogs, cats etc from backyard breeders. They only sell pets from the local shelter, which saves a lot of little furry lives. As we had a huge clean out at home recently, we took along a bag of towels, which they gratefully accepted for bedding.

We chatted to the shelter staff and did some shopping for our own dogs while we were there. I'm sorry the photo above is blurry, but this little piggy wouldn't stand still! I took so many photos, and this was the best of a bad bunch. He was so cute! 

Off to the cake shop! We were actually going to a birthday party Saturday night and we offered to bring the birthday cake. Yes we could have baked one, but to be honest.... I had been in the shopping centre the day before and just thought to myself... It'll be easier to just order one lol It's called a Chocolate Treasure Cake.... It's all chocolate!

After we came home from the shopping centre, we had some lunch and watched a couple of episodes of Silent Witness. It's a show that my sister told me about, so we've started watching it, starting with season 1. It's funny because even though it first aired in 1996, which doesn't seem that long ago.. The actual show feels and looks quite dated. However I do like the story lines, they actually remind me a lot of the Patricia Cornwell - Scarpetta book series, which I was hooked on for years.

This is Millie. I have had her forever! Yet I hardly have any decent photos of her, because all the ones I do have, she looks unbelievably crabby! lol She was lying next to me on the lounge, when we were watching a second episode of Silent Witness. At least her eyes are closed or you'd be getting a death stare lol

All this shopping and tv watching requires a cup of tea... and a small sugar hit. Of course on the day I want to take a photo of a cup of tea, all of the nice mugs are in the dishwasher lol So you'll just have to excuse the fact that I used an ordinary one lol Boost bars are also my favourite chocolate bars. My wife buys the mini ones in a bag for me. The reasoning behind this is, in the hope that I don't eat them all at once.... lol Sometimes this theory works, sometimes I need a mid-week trip to the supermarket for a top up lol

Feeding time at the zoo has arrived. We have three dogs, three cats and two fish. When they hear the bowls being placed on the kitchen bench, all hell breaks loose! lol

The presents for the birthday boy are wrapped, and now it's a case of showering and getting ready to go out. It had begun to rain again... Of course.

We're on our way to the party and it was sprinkling rain when we left, and continued to rain throughout the night. I didn't take any hourly photos at the party or when we got home as it was quite late and I was too tired lol

I'm sorry that you have been exposed to such a mundane post! If you did read through all of this.... You should reward yourself with a treat! You deserve it! I hope the next post will be a little more interesting! lol

Lisa Williams

The other night my wife, myself and a friend of ours went to see a Lisa Williams show. My friend is a huge fan, and prior to her mentioning Lisa to me, I had never heard of her before. This was weird for me, because I have always been into 'new agey' kind of things, and I'm a frequent shopper in new age stores. I also have quite a collection of books on various new age topics, yet I had never heard of her?!?! How can this be? I guess that perhaps I wasn't meant to know about her until now.... I don't know.

Anyway, since I hadn't heard of her or read any of her material, I did a search on you tube to watch one of her shows. I was completely blown away and I couldn't wait to see her! She was so specific! There was none of this .... Oh I see an elderly gentleman whose name starts with a G or maybe a J..... Does that ring a bell? One particular reading she said:- I have a young man here by the name of Craig, he passed over due to a car accident, and someone here tonight has his name tattooed on their arm...... Yep, sure enough a woman stood up, she was Craig's Mother and she had the tattoo just as Lisa had described. Lisa went on to discuss Craig and the nature of the accident to a T!

The clip above is from you tube to show you just how specific she is.

Before we saw the show, we were able to meet Lisa as my friend is a member. She was such a warm and genuine person. She hugged the three of us and we had a chat, she didn't have any airs or graces about her. She also signed a photo card for each of us and we had our photo taken with her. I would post the photo, except the photographer is yet to send it to us. I will post it in another post :o)

It's funny, because about a year ago I was looking at some online new age courses. I had shown them to my wife and I was 90% sold..... But there was just something that I couldn't put my finger on, that was holding me back from signing up, so I decided against them. Then the other day, I discovered that there were courses on Lisa's website. I asked my friend if she had done any of them, and if she had, what did she think? Well it turns out that my friend had done four courses and said they were brilliant. She brought them with her so I could have a look at them. After hearing about the topics covered, I downloaded my first course the other day. 

I have only just started it and I have to say the course is quite challenging! Not because it's like "quick find a spirit to talk to now!" It's very much about learning about yourself. The basic idea is to keep a journal while you work through the questions in the course. A lot of the questions are reflective and require you to disassemble situations or feelings of the past and examine them. 

I was actually going to write a separate post on this, but it actually fits in well here. When you take medication such as I do, it alters not only your behaviour, but also the way you think. For example, if something happened previously that may have sent me into a rage, instead I may now decide that the better option is to remove myself from a situation. Whereas in the past this would never have happened. Since taking this medication I have often felt, that I need to get to know who I am all over again. As time and time again, a situation or conversation arises and I find myself questioning, what would the correct response be? So I do feel that this course has come along at the right time, considering that it is all about learning about who you are as a person. 

If Lisa Williams should venture into your neck of the woods, buy a ticket and go along. You wont be disappointed. :o)

The Media

I used to be one of those people who had the same ritual every morning.... I would get out of bed, make a cup of tea and open the news websites on my computer. Before I started my day, I would read all about what had happened in our country (or overseas) while I had slept. Then one morning a couple of months ago, I just stopped.

I cannot remember the exact stories the day before I decided to stop reading the news online, but they were honestly ridiculous. I do remember that the all the main headlines were about celebrities. Really? That's the best that Australian Journalists can come up with? With everything that is going on in the world, you give us celebrities.... 

This morning for some unknown reason, I decided that I would open a news website, just to see if I had missed anything. I really don't know why I did this, as these days I simply rely on Twitter ABC and SBS news tweets for anything of interest.

So what did I see in the news that all Australians must know about? Shane Warne, an Australian ex-cricketer 'and so-called celebrity' had taken a selfie, after he had woken up.... FFS!! This is what I am talking about! Do Australians really need to know this? Will it greatly impact on our day if this is not brought to our attention?

I guess what also annoys me is that, they have specific news sections for celebrity news - if you can call it that. So why is it, that the celebrity news leaks into the regular news, but not the other way around?

Thank you news website, you have only strengthened my opinion that the ABC and SBS, are the only true news sources in this country. What you serve up and call news, is total and utter rubbish.

The Smell Of My Past

I read a post a little while ago over at Behind Green Eyes, she had looked at various perfumes, that she had worn in her life. It's an interesting concept, because we normally think about our past in terms of, who were we in a relationship with, what we may have been driving, what music we liked or where we were living. So I have decided to track down some of the aftershaves/colognes/fragrances - call them what you will, that I have worn during my life.

I was able to find one of the first fragrances that I used to wear when I had moved out of home. I was on a very tight budget, and I believe at the time this was worth about $20, it now sells for $8! lol I remember purchasing it from those discount style pharmacies. Lomani and another one, which I cannot remember the name of, were my choice of the cheapies! They did the job, didn't cost earth and at the time I thought they smelt ok :)

This cheapie aftershave reminds me of being broke - point blank! I used to work seven days a week at two separate jobs, and I never seemed to have enough money to cover all of my bills. Ahhhh, the good ole days! lol

A friend of a friend, who had flown in from overseas, purchased a CK gift set like the one above, at Duty Free for me. I had never had an actual name brand cologne before and I treasured it! I only wore them on special occasions and they lasted me for years, as I was quite frugal with their application. I received another gift set similar to this, a year or two ago. I do like these mini's as they open doors to new scents, that you may otherwise not try.

Here comes the walk of shame... I don't know if the Lynx brand is available internationally, if it is and you wear it, I'm sorry, I'm about to offend you - please skip ahead. If it isn't, let me explain.... The way Lynx is advertised, is similar to 'those' tampons ads. You know the ones that show the wearer of the product, riding horses across glorious meadows and performing all sorts of activities at Olympic gold standard? This how Lynx is advertised towards young men. You just have to have it, because everyone is wearing it, right? 

What the brand fails to tell you is, that once you wear the product just once, it will hypnotise you and leave you feeling that you need more! This brand has not lost its momentum, and there are parents of teenage boys across the country cursing the brand name Lynx. Seriously, you can smell the wearer of this stuff a mile away! Not only do they manufacture 'aftershave' but they also churn out, body spray and deodorant..... All of which MUST be worn at once in large quantities! I would like to take this chance, to apologise to anyone who may have asphyxiated at some point in their life, when they passed me on the street. I am truly sorry.

The next item I would like to introduce is Safari, this was purchased for me out of the blue by an ex-girlfriends mother. There are two reasons that could have prompted this purchase... 1. That I used to wear Lynx lol or, that 2. That while I was going out with her daughter, she actually tried to pick me up, yes you read correctly..... Creepy huh? In any case, I cannot actually remember if I liked this one or not.

Then there was Tommy, Tommy has appeared in my life twice and although I no longer have any left, it is an aftershave I would probably wear again. The first time I was wearing Tommy, I was in my early twenties and had been diagnosed with depression. The medication that I was prescribed didn't suit, and the Dr didn't listen, so I took myself off the medication and went about my life. 

Jazz and Kouros appeared in my life around the same time, I cannot remember which one came first.... But I do remember, that I felt that I now owned some 'adult' aftershave lol I think because Tommy was marketed, as a trendy - young man scent. It's funny, because I still have both of these and I still like the smell of both of them.... But just not on me. 

Yeah, I know that sounds weird... I can walk past a guy in the street, who is wearing one of these and it smells fine. But I feel that as soon as I wear them, they somehow smell different??? It's like I am waiting for that 'one day', where I spray them on, and they just miraculously smell right lol

Okay, New West is one of my favourites and I have had it for ages. The reason being is, that my original New West, was in a mini's gift pack and when it ran out, my wife had a whole lot of trouble trying to buy me the larger size. She was told by many shop assistants that it was no longer being made. So it has now become something of the holy grail in my collection. lol I think that I actually wore this one on my wedding day.

Joop is similar to Tommy, in that I have gone through two large bottles and I don't have any left at the moment. It's also another one that I would wear again, as I feel that like Tommy, it's not an over powering aftershave. I remember wearing this particular aftershave, when I worked in a nursing home, an elderly woman (who was quite feral in her younger days) used to always comment on how good I smelt **shivers** 

I know that I have missed a couple of aftershaves, as I cannot remember them all. There are also a few that I can remember wearing, however I cannot remember what was going on in my life at the time.

My two current favourites are Dunhill Desire Blue and Bvlgari. The Dunhill aftershave has taken the place of Tommy and Joop. It's an aftershave that I can wear during the day or night as it is a fresh scented aftershave. Bvlgari is a stronger scented aftershave, which I prefer to wear either at night or when we go out during the day. The reason I say when we go out is, because I wear aftershave everyday, including when I am at home, even on those rainy days in front on the television :o)

I have not personally purchased aftershave for myself, since I was in my mid twenties! Every bottle since then has been a gift. :o) I am also ashamed to say that, I easily have at least four times as many bottles of aftershave, than my wife has perfume lol. So either I don't buy her enough perfume, or she buys me too many aftershaves lol

I can't help but admire Behind Green Eyes, for her in depth insight into her life at various points. Her recollection is far superior to mine! lol I can remember the early aftershaves and the later ones, but I have really struggled with the ones in between.

Well that is about it! I have given you a brief look into my bathroom cabinet, from the bargain basement cheapies, toilet cleaner (Lynx), and the name brands which I wear today. For those of you who don't know me in real life, now you know what I smell like! ROFL!!!

Roasted Pumpkin & Spinach Quiche

I'm going to post a recipe for quiche today. I am not someone who normally eats quiche, as I often find them either too eggy, too watery or tasteless. The recipe I am posting below is out of a cook book titled:- Homestyle Vegetarian. I have however, adjusted the recipe as it needed some tweaking. I was originally going to type up my version, and email it to my sister, but then I thought, I may as well share it everyone :o)

I have made this quiche when we have had people over for dinner, and the comments have always been positive :o) I usually serve it either with salad or steamed vegies, and always with a dollop of my own homemade tomato and chilli relish.

Roast Pumpkin & Spinach Quiche

Ingredients:-

500g butternut pumpkin
1 red onion, cut into small wedges
2 tablespoons of olive oil **
4 eggs
125 ml thickened cream
125 ml milk
1 tablespoon chopped parsley
1 tablespoon chopped coriander
1 teaspoon wholegrain mustard
6 sheets filo pastry **
50g English spinach, blanched
1 tablespoon grated parmesan cheese
Optional - salt, pepper, chilli, cayenne
** For Australian readers:- the filo pastry from the refrigerated section of the supermarket is much easier to work with, compared to the frozen version.

Method:-

1. Preheat the oven to 190C. Slice the pumpkin into 1 cm pieces. Place the pumpkin, onion and olive oil in a roasting pan. Roast for 1 hour, or until lightly golden and cooked. ** I have also used light olive oil spray instead of actual olive oil, on both the pan and veg, and they have cooked with the same results. I have also sprinkled the veg with cayenne pepper or at other times, cracked black pepper or chilli - go with what suits! It's fine without these extras :o)

2. Whisk together the eggs, cream, milk, herbs and mustard. Season with salt and freshly cracked pepper - to suit your taste preferences.

3. Grease a ovenproof flan or tart dish measuring 22 cm across the base. Brush each sheet of filo pastry with olive oil and then line the dish with the six sheets. Fold the pastry sides down, tucking them into the dish to form a crust.

4. Arrange the roasted vegetables and the blanched spinach over the base. Pour the egg mixture over the vegetables and sprinkle the top with parmesan.

5. Bake for 35-40 minutes, or until the filling is golden brown and set.

The photo is taken from the cookbook:- Homestyle Vegetarian, Murdoch Books 2008.

Straight To The Top Of The Class!

This post is on a lighter note, I promise lol Not that long ago, I found out that the psychiatrist that I was seeing, would no longer be available in my area, so I had to find a new one, and I was fine with this. When I met with my new psychiatrist, he went over my notes and looked at all the medications I had tried. He spoke to me at length about my school years, which at the time I thought was odd. He also asked me briefly about past employment, and why I had chosen to leave after a particular period of time.

Three quarters through the session, the psychiatrist asked me, while looking at my right leg, if I had always been a fidgety person? At the time he asked, I was not aware of what I was doing, but then I realised that my right leg had indeed been kind of fidgety. I told the psychiatrist, that I hadn't really noticed.... But that it was possible. After the session, I mentioned this to my wife, and she stated that I do it all the time! I had never noticed! You think you know yourself and your habits! lol

The psychiatrist asked me if I had ever been tested for ADHD? (Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder) I stated that I hadn't. Now I don't consider myself an ignorant person, I do try to stay in touch with current events, and if I hear or read about something I don't understand, good old Google comes to the rescue! But I honestly thought that ADHD was a childhood disorder. I had never given it any more thought, I guess I had just assumed that it was something that was treated and then the child grew out of it. The psychiatrist stated that in our next session, he would test me for ADHD.   

When I attended the next session, the psychiatrist had the test ready for me. Once I had completed the test, he reviewed my answers and tallied the score, he did this twice. He then began to explain, that when it was suspected that an adult patient/client had ADHD, they generally scored just above or just below 60/100. They were then referred to a clinic in Sydney which specialised, in more in depth testing, to discover if the patient really had ADHD or some other underlying issue. The psychiatrist went on to say, that I would not need to attend the clinic in Sydney, as I had scored 87/100!   

I thought about what he had said for a moment, and then I started laughing! The psychiatrist looked at me questioningly. I reiterated what I had said to him in the first session we had, when he had asked me about my school years. And that was, that art and sport were my two favourite subjects, and that I was hopeless at everything else. This had been part of the reason I had left school early. I went on to say that every school report card had labelled me as easily distracted, a daydreamer, and that I needed to apply myself.... I told him that 87/100 was the best score I had ever received in a test! When I put it that way, he did think it was pretty funny too. lol

So I received a script for medication to treat the ADHD, and within a week I could not believe the difference in how I felt! It was amazing! I finally feel that I am getting close to the point where, my medications wont need too much more tweaking.

Afterwards

After my Aunts funeral my wife and I returned to our house. I knew I had legal obligations to deal with regarding her will, but I wasn't ready to deal with that just yet. I needed some time away from it all. 

When I felt that I was able to return to my Aunts house, and start sorting out her belongings, my wife and my family assisted. It did take us a couple of weeks. It was also an awkward time for me, because as I stated in a previous post, there had been a family breakdown.

A fairy statue in my Aunts garden

After a couple of weeks of sorting, cleaning and donating goods to charity, I asked my family if I could speak to them about something. My wife wasn't with us on this day, as I had told her that I was going to speak to my family about my Bipolar, and it was my mess. 

I sat down with my family and had a coffee, I had no idea where to start or what to say. I had been going over what I was going to say in my head all week, but when it came down to it, I still couldn't find the right place to start. So I just told them straight out that I had been diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder. I tried my best to explain what had been going on in my head, both pre and post medication. It's quite difficult to explain to someone how your thought process works, when you don't fully have a grasp of why you may have thought, said or done something yourself.

My family listened to what I had to say, while I continued to try and find the words to help them understand, that I was sorry for what I had done, and how I had behaved. I think my disclosure left one family member a bit shaken, as I didn't feel that they were expecting me to say what I did. However I think it helped them to understand my erratic behaviour, in the recent years as well as when I was younger. The other family member knew of someone else who has Bipolar, so they we were aware to a degree of how a person may behave if they have Bipolar are not medicated.

After I had said everything that I went there to say, we chatted about other topics for a while, before we went back to our own homes. On my 1.5 hour drive home, I mulled over everything that was said. The discussion seemed to happen so fast, that it was now a bit of a blur in my mind. I believe that it went as well as could be expected, and thankfully had a positive outcome. Since that day, I have regular contact with those family members.

Coming Home

My Aunt had always been there for me, my whole life. She gave me advice when I needed it, she listened to my tales of woe without judgement, and had picked me up many a time, in my younger life when things went wrong and I fell down. I wasn't about to let her face this horrible disease on her own. It was my time to repay her, for all that she had ever done for me.

My wife knew how I felt about my Aunt, so it was of no surprise to her when I discussed with her, that if my Aunt wanted to go home then I would like to leave work to care for her. My wife agreed without hesitation. 

My Aunt had become too upset to speak with the Doctors, so she asked that I deal with them, as she no longer wanted to know what was going to happen. When the time was right, I spoke to my Aunt about her cancer and the next step in her care. I think the most painful task I've ever had to under take, was when I asked my Aunt if she wanted to go to a palliative care unit, or if she would like to go home.

I saw from the look on her face, that when she saw that going home was an option, that was what she wanted to do. However, she stated that she didn't want me to lose my job, as I had already taken so much time off. My wife and I told her not to worry about our jobs, that we would sort it out. 

That same day my wife and I drove back home and went to see our employers. I spoke to my boss and advised him that I would like to resign, and to my surprise he told me I could have a year of leave and return when I was ready. My wife spoke to her boss, and was able to take all of her annual and sick leave. 

We packed our bags and drove back to my Aunts house where we began to make preparations for her to come home. We spoke to the palliative community nursing team, and explained who we were and what assistance we would need.

When my Aunt came home, life became more difficult. My Aunt had always been very independent, and as a result she didn't want particular people coming to the house to visit, she didn't want aspects of her condition to be discussed with family members, and she had made very specific comments regarding her funeral. This put me in a very tight spot, as family would ask about her and I didn't want to lie, nor did I want to betray my Aunts trust. I was in a no-win situation. 

Each day that passed, she ate less and spent more time in bed. Nighttime was the worst, she became very confused and would forget that my wife and I were staying with her. My wife and I took it in turns, one of us would stay awake and watch her, while the other tried to get some sleep, and vice versa.

I'm not a religious person, but I found myself asking....praying, that she would pass. Medically we were coping with what was required for pain relief, but I wasn't coping seeing my Aunt when she was in her confused state at night. If my Aunt had any say, she wouldn't have wanted anyone to see her like that either.

One day, my Aunt called my wife, myself and two other family members into her room, and said that she wanted us to stay with her, because she wanted to talk to us. Just as she said that, the community nurse arrived. After the nurse had moved my Aunt about and administered more medication, my Aunt was sore and feeling nauseous. I asked her if she wanted everyone to come back in? She told me that she felt sick and wanted to have a little sleep. I told the other family members, that she had changed her mind and I passed on what she said. 

Those were the last words my My Aunt spoke to me, as she didn't wake up. I will never know what she wanted to talk to us about, and to this day, I feel like I was the one who prevented my family from speaking to her in her last days, even though it was at her request. It is a feeling I cannot shake. 

Two days after my Aunt said that she wanted to have a little sleep, she passed away on 23rd July 2013. I think of her everyday, sometimes it's because I catch a glimpse of her photo that sits on our piano, but mostly it's because I miss visiting her, talking on the phone and receiving her silly joke emails. She told me that she would give me a sign if there was something on the other side,  I haven't seen the sign yet, but I hope that where ever she is, she has found peace.

Hospital, Cancer and Chemo

Okay, so where to from here? My Aunts specialist informed us, that the prognosis was not good. However with a combination of surgery and chemo, there was a slim chance that she would beat it. My Aunt was terrified, she had never had a day of illness in her life and had never spent a day in hospital.

The surgery went to plan and when she was ready to be released, I took leave from work to care for her at home while she recuperated. Once her surgical wound healed, chemo started. A good friend of her's drove her to her weekly chemo appointments and family and neighbours checked in on her daily as she lived alone. I would drive from work Thursday afternoon and stay with her until Saturday or Sunday afternoon, depending on how she was feeling.

The chemo continued for weeks, but once it was finished, her blood tests showed that there may be some hope. The chemo clinic presented her with a chemo graduation certificate and advised her of her ongoing checkups. While my Aunt tried to get back to her normal life prior to cancer, I decided to continue working only four days a week. This gave me a regular day to schedule my psychiatrist, psychologist and GP appointments as I had been juggling them while my Aunt was ill. Plus it was one less day of work related stress that I had to deal with.

As I was diagnosed with Bipolar around the same time my Aunt was diagnosed with cancer, I hadn't told her about my diagnosis, for two reasons:- 1. She had enough to worry about and 2. I didn't want her to feel that she couldn't count on me for support.

Over the next couple of months, life continued as it does. My Aunt was feeling stronger and I continued trying different medications. I had decided that I wouldn't tell her about my Bipolar until it was completely sorted, as sometimes the medications played with my head a bit, and some days I really didn't feel like discussing anything, let alone talking about Bipolar or how I felt. I knew that she wouldn't be happy that I had kept it from her for so long, but I would cross that bridge when I got to it.

One night, three months after my Aunt received her chemo graduation certificate, I received a phone call from a family member, who advised me that they had just taken my Aunt to the Hospital Emergency Department. As it was late and my Aunt was now asleep, my wife and I traveled to the hospital early the next morning.

When the Doctor arrived at my Aunts bedside, the news was what I had secretly feared, yet I was hoping I was wrong. The cancer had returned and there were no surgical or chemo options available. In a total of ten months, my Aunt had gone from a strong, healthy and independent woman without a care in the world, to being offered palliative care.

More Appointments And A Phone Call

I'll pick up where I left off on my last post, the medication roller coaster was about to start. My psychiatrist prescribed a mix of medications which I had to gradually increase over a number of days. The first three days were the worst.... I had stomach cramps, headaches, sweats, shakes, nausea, and dizziness. I stayed on this medication for about two weeks until my next psychiatrist appointment. I also had to have a blood test before my next appointment to check the medication toxicity levels. Just as my body had adjusted to the medication, my next psychiatrist appointment was upon me. I was still experiencing the mood swings, however they were not to the degree that they once were. So the psychiatrist doubled what I was already taking, and guess what happened next? I had a repeat performance of the first three initial days. It was awful.

During this time I was working full time in a stressful position, it was a private medical company and we had deadlines to meet daily. If you woke up one day and were feeling unwell, it was far better to stay home rather than go to work and attempt to do your job. Well, I was going to work everyday, I couldn't stay home 'just in case' a side effect stuck. The medication dulled my senses and I often felt that everything was moving very slowly, I knew that I wasn't working to the capacity that I once was. I was also aware that my work colleagues knew something wasn't right, this made me feel self conscious. Due to the dull/slow feeling that I was experiencing, I also felt that some days I shouldn't have been behind the wheel of a car, as I felt that my response time had been compromised - it was a forty minute drive to work.

I had more blood tests and more psychiatrist and psychologist appointments. My medication was also changed many times as some medications didn't work or they had quite unpleasant side effects. I was starting feel like I was going to run out of medication options and I was worried about where that would leave me.

Now for those of you who have read my discontinued blog, you'll know that I'm really good at just changing the subject halfway through, which is what I am about to do right now..... For good reason. It's all very well for me to write about what was happening in my own world, but as we all know, during our own ups and downs, life on the outside carries on, with or without us.

One morning I was at work and I was on my break, and I noticed that I had a text message from my wife asking me to call her at home. The alarm bells started to go off straight away! My wife had never asked me to call her, as it was often difficult for me to make private calls at work, so I knew it was something serious. I rang my wife and she told me that she had just spoken to my Aunt, who told her that she had been diagnosed with cancer, and had a specialist appointment the next day. I was gutted.

I spoke to my boss and asked if I could go home, and if I could also have the next day off, as I wanted to attend the appointment with my Aunt. Thankfully my boss was very understanding, and allowed me to have the time off work. Once I got home I asked my wife to repeat everything my Aunt had said, I then rang her. I spoke to my Aunt for quite a while, she didn't want us to visit that day (we lived 1.5 hours from her home) but she did want us with her when she saw the specialist. 

I just want to take this chance to mention, that sometime prior to being diagnosed and beginning treatment for bipolar disorder, I had very seriously hurt and offended some immediate family members. This had resulted in a huge family breakdown. Apart from one cousin (the daughter of another aunt who is deceased) and my Aunt who had just been diagnosed with cancer (and my wife of course) I had no other family.

I want to say, that medication used in the treatment of bipolar disorder does change the way you think, feel, and respond to absolutely everything. Before I was receiving medication, I thought what I felt and thought was normal, because this was how it had always been. I used to have hundreds of thoughts racing through my mind constantly. My thoughts were erratic and my behaviour followed. I also had the mood swings combined with the highs and the lows. After taking the prescribed medication, I began to notice a change in my pattern of thoughts, and this slowly resulted in me examining my past. I reflected on everything from previous relationships, arguments, friendships, lifestyle choices... All of them, both good and bad. 

At the time my Aunt was diagnosed with cancer, my medication still wasn't right and the psychiatrist was still prescribing different combinations hoping to find a mix that would suit.

About Two Years Ago. . . .

I want to start this new blog by writing a post about where I was in my life, approximately two years ago. I went to see my GP, as I was no longer in full control of my emotions. I explained to the GP, that for no apparent reason I would go from being in a perfectly good mood, to being in a bad mood, and when I say bad mood, it could range from mildly bad..... to an absolute raging inferno. 

Previously I was able to keep my moods in check, but they had started getting the better of me and were wearing me down. I was exhausted. The GP, without ordering any blood tests, told me that it was a testosterone issue and common with men. I knew that it wasn't, I knew my own body and I debated this with him. He asked if I was sleeping. I told him that I wasn't. The GP concluded that I was 'cranky' due to a lack of sleep. I attempted to tell him that I had always felt like this, but the mood swings had gotten worse and were becoming more difficult to control. He told me to try the sleeping medication. I left the surgery feeling that I had gone unheard. 

I did have the script filled and I have to admit, that actually getting some sleep for once did assist..... For a while anyway. I stayed on the sleeping medication for about eight to nine months. During this time frame, I found that it was becoming less effective the longer I had been taking it. I found myself yet again trying to function on little sleep, and the mood swings were returning to their full force. I was both physically and mentally tired. What was I to do? Clearly there wasn't anything wrong with me or the GP would have told me so, right? 

Wrong! I had actually attended the surgery for a new script, when my new GP asked me what the story was, behind the reason why I was taking this particular medication. I explained the mood swings to him. He asked me if my previous GP (a colleague of his) had offered any psychological services. I stated that he had not. My new GP looked annoyed with the lack of action taken by the other GP. He ordered blood tests to check for any physical issues and wrote referral for me to see a psychologist. 

I think I had met with the psychologist twice, when she stated that she believed that I had bipolar disorder and that I would need to see a psychiatrist. I guess this kind of news would be upsetting for some people, it wasn't for me. I was glad that there was a title for the way I felt as it also meant that there would be some kind of treatment.

My GP gave me a referral to see a psychiatrist who in turn agreed that I did have have bipolar disorder. Let the medication roller coaster begin!