More Appointments And A Phone Call

I'll pick up where I left off on my last post, the medication roller coaster was about to start. My psychiatrist prescribed a mix of medications which I had to gradually increase over a number of days. The first three days were the worst.... I had stomach cramps, headaches, sweats, shakes, nausea, and dizziness. I stayed on this medication for about two weeks until my next psychiatrist appointment. I also had to have a blood test before my next appointment to check the medication toxicity levels. Just as my body had adjusted to the medication, my next psychiatrist appointment was upon me. I was still experiencing the mood swings, however they were not to the degree that they once were. So the psychiatrist doubled what I was already taking, and guess what happened next? I had a repeat performance of the first three initial days. It was awful.

During this time I was working full time in a stressful position, it was a private medical company and we had deadlines to meet daily. If you woke up one day and were feeling unwell, it was far better to stay home rather than go to work and attempt to do your job. Well, I was going to work everyday, I couldn't stay home 'just in case' a side effect stuck. The medication dulled my senses and I often felt that everything was moving very slowly, I knew that I wasn't working to the capacity that I once was. I was also aware that my work colleagues knew something wasn't right, this made me feel self conscious. Due to the dull/slow feeling that I was experiencing, I also felt that some days I shouldn't have been behind the wheel of a car, as I felt that my response time had been compromised - it was a forty minute drive to work.

I had more blood tests and more psychiatrist and psychologist appointments. My medication was also changed many times as some medications didn't work or they had quite unpleasant side effects. I was starting feel like I was going to run out of medication options and I was worried about where that would leave me.

Now for those of you who have read my discontinued blog, you'll know that I'm really good at just changing the subject halfway through, which is what I am about to do right now..... For good reason. It's all very well for me to write about what was happening in my own world, but as we all know, during our own ups and downs, life on the outside carries on, with or without us.

One morning I was at work and I was on my break, and I noticed that I had a text message from my wife asking me to call her at home. The alarm bells started to go off straight away! My wife had never asked me to call her, as it was often difficult for me to make private calls at work, so I knew it was something serious. I rang my wife and she told me that she had just spoken to my Aunt, who told her that she had been diagnosed with cancer, and had a specialist appointment the next day. I was gutted.

I spoke to my boss and asked if I could go home, and if I could also have the next day off, as I wanted to attend the appointment with my Aunt. Thankfully my boss was very understanding, and allowed me to have the time off work. Once I got home I asked my wife to repeat everything my Aunt had said, I then rang her. I spoke to my Aunt for quite a while, she didn't want us to visit that day (we lived 1.5 hours from her home) but she did want us with her when she saw the specialist. 

I just want to take this chance to mention, that sometime prior to being diagnosed and beginning treatment for bipolar disorder, I had very seriously hurt and offended some immediate family members. This had resulted in a huge family breakdown. Apart from one cousin (the daughter of another aunt who is deceased) and my Aunt who had just been diagnosed with cancer (and my wife of course) I had no other family.

I want to say, that medication used in the treatment of bipolar disorder does change the way you think, feel, and respond to absolutely everything. Before I was receiving medication, I thought what I felt and thought was normal, because this was how it had always been. I used to have hundreds of thoughts racing through my mind constantly. My thoughts were erratic and my behaviour followed. I also had the mood swings combined with the highs and the lows. After taking the prescribed medication, I began to notice a change in my pattern of thoughts, and this slowly resulted in me examining my past. I reflected on everything from previous relationships, arguments, friendships, lifestyle choices... All of them, both good and bad. 

At the time my Aunt was diagnosed with cancer, my medication still wasn't right and the psychiatrist was still prescribing different combinations hoping to find a mix that would suit.