Coming Home

My Aunt had always been there for me, my whole life. She gave me advice when I needed it, she listened to my tales of woe without judgement, and had picked me up many a time, in my younger life when things went wrong and I fell down. I wasn't about to let her face this horrible disease on her own. It was my time to repay her, for all that she had ever done for me.

My wife knew how I felt about my Aunt, so it was of no surprise to her when I discussed with her, that if my Aunt wanted to go home then I would like to leave work to care for her. My wife agreed without hesitation. 

My Aunt had become too upset to speak with the Doctors, so she asked that I deal with them, as she no longer wanted to know what was going to happen. When the time was right, I spoke to my Aunt about her cancer and the next step in her care. I think the most painful task I've ever had to under take, was when I asked my Aunt if she wanted to go to a palliative care unit, or if she would like to go home.

I saw from the look on her face, that when she saw that going home was an option, that was what she wanted to do. However, she stated that she didn't want me to lose my job, as I had already taken so much time off. My wife and I told her not to worry about our jobs, that we would sort it out. 

That same day my wife and I drove back home and went to see our employers. I spoke to my boss and advised him that I would like to resign, and to my surprise he told me I could have a year of leave and return when I was ready. My wife spoke to her boss, and was able to take all of her annual and sick leave. 

We packed our bags and drove back to my Aunts house where we began to make preparations for her to come home. We spoke to the palliative community nursing team, and explained who we were and what assistance we would need.

When my Aunt came home, life became more difficult. My Aunt had always been very independent, and as a result she didn't want particular people coming to the house to visit, she didn't want aspects of her condition to be discussed with family members, and she had made very specific comments regarding her funeral. This put me in a very tight spot, as family would ask about her and I didn't want to lie, nor did I want to betray my Aunts trust. I was in a no-win situation. 

Each day that passed, she ate less and spent more time in bed. Nighttime was the worst, she became very confused and would forget that my wife and I were staying with her. My wife and I took it in turns, one of us would stay awake and watch her, while the other tried to get some sleep, and vice versa.

I'm not a religious person, but I found myself asking....praying, that she would pass. Medically we were coping with what was required for pain relief, but I wasn't coping seeing my Aunt when she was in her confused state at night. If my Aunt had any say, she wouldn't have wanted anyone to see her like that either.

One day, my Aunt called my wife, myself and two other family members into her room, and said that she wanted us to stay with her, because she wanted to talk to us. Just as she said that, the community nurse arrived. After the nurse had moved my Aunt about and administered more medication, my Aunt was sore and feeling nauseous. I asked her if she wanted everyone to come back in? She told me that she felt sick and wanted to have a little sleep. I told the other family members, that she had changed her mind and I passed on what she said. 

Those were the last words my My Aunt spoke to me, as she didn't wake up. I will never know what she wanted to talk to us about, and to this day, I feel like I was the one who prevented my family from speaking to her in her last days, even though it was at her request. It is a feeling I cannot shake. 

Two days after my Aunt said that she wanted to have a little sleep, she passed away on 23rd July 2013. I think of her everyday, sometimes it's because I catch a glimpse of her photo that sits on our piano, but mostly it's because I miss visiting her, talking on the phone and receiving her silly joke emails. She told me that she would give me a sign if there was something on the other side,  I haven't seen the sign yet, but I hope that where ever she is, she has found peace.