That Decision

I last wrote on Wednesday and I was writing about a decision I had made. I didn't disclose what the decision was, all I could say was I didn't take the making of this decision lightly and that it was making me feel ill. I also wrote that the next time I wrote a post would be when my decision had come into effect.

So here I am, ready to spill the beans. As some of you know I purchased a retail business a while back. Prior to purchasing this business I was planing on starting my own ceramics business. Anyway the business I purchased came up for sale just prior to me starting my ceramics business. At the time I thought I could combine the two and create my ceramic pieces in the theme of the store. However the store is open 7 days a week, which leaves very little time to do anything else. So I have decided to sell the retail business for a couple of reasons.

I wrote a post on 12th August:- A Couple Of Outings. It was about my wife and I going out for lunch. I started using a calendar on my PC in February where I note down everything that we do, need to go, appointments, etc. We went out for lunch because when I looked at the calendar I noticed that we hadn't been out together since I started the calendar! Every bit of 'free time' when we're both home together was dedicated to the store. Running a business that's open 7 days a week, plus having an online store, plus managing staffing and then paperwork is incredibly time consuming, draining and stressful. All of these elements equal no life. I've always believed that you should work to live, not live to work.

So the lack of personal time is one reason I'm selling, the second reason I'm selling is that my heart is in ceramics. It's something I have always wanted to do, I started working on this business years back while working a regular 9-5 job before my Aunt became ill - it isn't a new idea. I put the business on hold to care for her, then when she was well again I went back to starting the business. Then sadly her illness returned and it was terminal. I ceased working on my ceramics business again to stay with her, which was my choice and one I will never regret. In my Aunts last days she actually said to my wife 'Make sure Alex keeps doing his ceramics'. She also said this to me a day or two after she said it to my wife. So I guess part of me wants to forge on ahead with my ceramics for her. 

Running my own ceramics business from home will be less stressful for me and better for my health, some might say how is running one small business going to be different from another? It'll be different because I'll be able to choose when I want to work, I won't have the stress of finding replacement staff if someone is sick, I won't have to worry about shoplifters as my ceramics business will be online only, if I want to go on a holiday I won't have the worry of if the store is ok, there are so many reasons. The bottom line is that I won't be responsible for anyone but me.

The reason this choice to sell made me feel ill was that I had to tell my staff that I was selling. This is why I didn't disclose my reason the other day, because I hadn't yet spoken to them. I have a great team and we all work very well together. In my time owning this business I have hired and fired - with good reason, I'm not a nazi. In fact my staff refer to me as a softie lol It was a hard choice to make in selling this business because I do like it, I like the feel of it, I like the reputation it has, I like just about everything about it - except it takes up all of my time. It also takes up a lot of my wife's time as she does the books.

I don't feel that owning this business was a mistake, I believe everything happens for a reason and I have learnt a lot in owning it. However it's time to move on. So I have put the business up for sale, now it's just a waiting game to see who wants to buy it. 

I'm looking forward to the next chapter in my life, I kind of feel that I'm starting from scratch again, in a sense I am, but in a sense I'm not. I'm not the kind of person that's scared of the unknown. My father used to tell me that he was proud of me, because I was always trying things that other people would be too scared to do. 

I'm sure there's loads of people out there with business ideas, but it's the fear that holds them back. What's the worst thing that could happen? The business fails..... So you get up, dust yourself off and try something else. You only live once, I don't want to be an old person one day with the regret of 'I wish I had tried this or I wish I had done that'. If my ceramics doesn't take off, I'll have no shame or regret. Because I tried.

So onwards and upwards! No regrets, no fear, take life by the horns head on and enjoy the ride! If you follow your heart you'll never know where life will take you and the journey you'll be on. So sit back and take in the scenery!

Psychic Medium Reading

I guess we've all had one of 'those dodgy tarot/psychic readings' in our life, I know I've had my fair share! Anyway, my wife gave me a gift voucher for my birthday to see a psychic. The psychic has been trained by Lisa Williams - so I knew she was the real deal as Lisa doesn't just churn out 1000's of 'psychics'. I was very much looking forward to booking my appointment and seeing this psychic!

Lisa Williams

So before I start, I know there are a lot of skeptics out there... When my wife bought the voucher, the psychic knew the voucher was for my birthday, she didn't know the date of my birthday, she only knew my first name, she did not have my email address and my wife paid via paypal which is still in her maiden name. So if the psychic tried to look me up, she wouldn't have found a thing about me if she used my first name and my wife's maiden name.

Okay, so I arrive for my appointment. The Psychic lives on a rural block and she has a very long driveway - Yes, the driveway has something to do with my reading lol. The psychic came out and met me outside in her beautiful environment. We go inside and she asks if I would like a psychic reading or a mediumship reading? My voucher was for 1 hour so I asked if I could have half/half.

She started with the psychic reading. The other thing I should quickly add, is that I recently bought an older Ford F150 for carrying around stock for my business. My everyday car has advertising on the rear windscreen, so I deliberately drove the truck to the appointment as I had not as yet had any signage put on it. I didn't want.... "Ohhh you own your own business etc".

So the reading began - no cards, hand holding or asking me questions about what I did etc, she just closed her eyes and said that she was going to contact her guides. The first thing she said was that she could see that I had been cleaning up and throwing away a lot of items. (The 2 weeks before I saw her I did have a big clean up at home! We had booked 2 council rubbish collections.) 

She described that I was in a high up position in my field of work - that I was on the top rung of the ladder. She said that a lot of people were surprised when I entered this field as it's not something anyone saw me doing and that I had a clerical position. (I have never owned, run a business or worked in retail. Although my business is retail, I don't 'work' in the shop. I run the website and take care of stock etc.) She also went into detail about how much things had improved in all aspects since I started there.

She went on to say that prior to me working where I currently was, she could see that I had been working on some kind of enterprise at home to generate an income, but it stopped abruptly. (Before I bought the retail store, I was working on starting my own ceramics business from home. I stopped abruptly because my Aunt got ill.) She told me so many more things which I cannot remember right now. But she blew me away!

After the psychic reading, she said that she was glad that I wanted a mediumship reading.... She said because it was such a hot day, she went to her office to open the windows and when she walked out she saw a woman standing in her driveway looking towards the road. She couldn't get the woman's attention and the woman kept looking at her watch and then back down the driveway. The psychic said that she didn't know who the woman was waiting for or belonged to because she couldn't connect with her. She said that she could feel a very strong maternal connection, but that she wasn't anyone's mother - that she was probably an Aunt. (I started crying. I knew before she went any further, it was my Aunt as she was always early and obsessed with time!) 

The psychic described her appearance to me perfectly and asked if I knew who she was? I told her she was my Aunt. The psychic said that she was no longer here but she would try and make contact with her. After a few minutes she started telling me some of the most amazing things! One of them being that my Aunt puts her hands on my shoulders when I'm stressed (She used to do this to me when she was alive) and that she speaks to me, but believes that I have only heard her once! (In the post below I mentioned that I heard her one night say 'Hi Love'.) 

The psychic told me that my Aunt was very proud of the way in which I carried out her funeral - however one person in the will did not get what they were supposed to get. This made me feel ill! I told the psychic that everyone received what was in my Aunt's will. The psychic kept talking to my Aunt and my Aunt told her a bed didn't go where it was supposed to go.... I had forgotten all about the bed! A friend of my Aunts was supposed to have her bed (It was a wiz bang electric bed lol), but the woman's sons wouldn't come and collect it, so it went elsewhere. The psychic explained this to my Aunt and all was good lol 

The psychic told me that my Aunt was now riding her old bike that I had found in the roof and she described a jungle that she like to spend time in that had little pathways everywhere. (When I was a child I found a old bike in the roof of my Grandparents stable, I asked my Dad to get it down for me and my Aunt was there at the time.... She said 'That's my old bike!'. The jungle that the psychic described with the pathways is exactly what my Aunt had in her backyard. She had a section that had little paths running all over the place!)

The psychic then said my Aunt was saying that I had lost my spark since she left me and that I needed to get back to what I was doing and get that ute! The psychic did look a little confused at this point lol because why would I need a ute when I drove up in a truck?!?! lol (In the post below I said that I sometimes feel like she's left me - not dead, deceased or passed away - but left me, the exact words the psychic used. My Aunt knew I was starting my own business before she became ill, and she said to my wife and I that I should buy a ute to carry around stock in case I attend markets with my ceramic items). The psychic also said that my aunt will always be with me, she will never leave me and that when it's my time she will be there waiting for me.

Again, so many more things were said...... After the reading I explained that I had been cleaning up so that I could start my ceramics again and needed to make room in the garage - which was my work from home enterprise that she could see in the psychic reading. I told her this was what I was doing before my Aunt became ill and that's why I stopped abruptly. That I was going to sell some of my ceramic items in the store and some online, and that I had also just bought the truck for events/markets. 

The psychic talked to me about mediumship and that she felt that with some practice I would be able to speak with my Aunt without the use of a medium since I had already heard my Aunt once. She also told me that she could feel that I had seen/sensed spirits/ghosts before. She blew me away. She told me so many things that very few people know about and none of it was 'wishy washy one size fits all' stuff. 

After I came home and told my wife about it, I went online and started reading more about the psychic and discovered that she now teaches. I have since enrolled in one of her courses that starts next year! lol Like running a business and trying to get a 2nd one off the ground doesn't take up enough of my time lol!

Happy Birthday Pappy

Who is Pappy? Pappy was my Aunt, my Godmother and my Friend. She passed away at home while I held her hand couple of years ago. I know it sounds like a huge cliche - but I think of her everyday. I still grieve her passing and often wonder if there is something wrong with me as I seem stuck. 

In my life I have lost my Great Grandmother, both sets of Grandparents, another Aunt and my Father. I grieved and I was able to move forward. However with my Aunt, I am stuck in some kind of limbo land of grief - some days it can be unbearable.

Pappy and her little pooch Sally.

Pappy wasn't the name she was born with, it was a name I gave her when I was young and just learning to speak. I was unable to pronounce her name and at some point I began referring to her as 'Pappy' and it stuck. She was the kind of person that I could talk to about anything without fear of judgement and she also had a fantastic sense of humour.

On the odd occasion I swear I have felt her presence.... One night just after I got into bed I was thinking about something or another (not related to my Aunt) and as clear as day I heard 'Hi love'. It was her voice and she sounded as though she were standing right beside the bed. The other thing was that she used to always call me 'love'.

It was interesting, just the other day I read an article about Maggie Smith, it was an interview about Downton Abbey, Fame and Loss. She spoke about losing her husband and what she said hit the nail on the head:- 

“They say it goes away, but it doesn’t. It just gets different,” she said.
“It’s awful, but what do you do? After the busyness you are more alone, much more. A day that is absolutely crowded keeps your mind away from why you are alone, but when it stops there is deafening silence.” 

I know she was talking about her husband, but I can relate to what she said so well. It doesn't go away and yes once the busyness is over your mind falls back into its natural thought process. For me I can't visit, ring or email my Aunt - Call it selfish but sometimes I feel like she left me. I know I shouldn't think this, because it wasn't her choice, but I do feel like that sometimes. 

A fairy I gave her for her garden. It now sits in my dinning room.

She gave me some of her belongings before she passed and I still to this day cannot bring myself to go through her things. Maybe that's why I'm stuck? Maybe it isn't. But for now I know I still don't feel ready to go through the items she gave me.

EDIT:- It was Pappy's birthday yesterday when I wrote this post. I wasn't going to publish it as I wrote it more for my own benefit. Then last night I did some Goggling on the duration of the 'natural' grieving process and I found this article:-

One of the most common questions I’m asked, both as a therapist and as someone who writes about grief, is how long it lasts. How long will I grieve? Does it ever end?

My answer is always the same: It’s different for everyone. But I can tell you that grief almost always lasts longer than the people around you expect it to.

Sometimes people are surprised when I tell them that grief can last years. Others are relieved to hear this, because they already know it to be true.

So maybe I'm not stuck after all.

It's Been One Year Today

Today is a sad day, as it's been one year today that my Aunt and Godmother passed away from cancer. It hard not to feel sad and people expect you to move on, but that's hard to do when you've lost someone who you were close to and loved. I still think of her everyday, even if the thoughts are just fleeting, they are there.

She told me that she would send me a sign.... I'm still waiting. Maybe if she knew her photo was now on the internet, she'll get a wriggle on and send that sign! Because I'm sure that she would never have thought in a million years, that her face would been seen by people all across the world!

Where ever you are, I hope that you are happy, pain free and safe.

Love your Nephew and Godson,

Alex.

xoxo 

Coming Home

My Aunt had always been there for me, my whole life. She gave me advice when I needed it, she listened to my tales of woe without judgement, and had picked me up many a time, in my younger life when things went wrong and I fell down. I wasn't about to let her face this horrible disease on her own. It was my time to repay her, for all that she had ever done for me.

My wife knew how I felt about my Aunt, so it was of no surprise to her when I discussed with her, that if my Aunt wanted to go home then I would like to leave work to care for her. My wife agreed without hesitation. 

My Aunt had become too upset to speak with the Doctors, so she asked that I deal with them, as she no longer wanted to know what was going to happen. When the time was right, I spoke to my Aunt about her cancer and the next step in her care. I think the most painful task I've ever had to under take, was when I asked my Aunt if she wanted to go to a palliative care unit, or if she would like to go home.

I saw from the look on her face, that when she saw that going home was an option, that was what she wanted to do. However, she stated that she didn't want me to lose my job, as I had already taken so much time off. My wife and I told her not to worry about our jobs, that we would sort it out. 

That same day my wife and I drove back home and went to see our employers. I spoke to my boss and advised him that I would like to resign, and to my surprise he told me I could have a year of leave and return when I was ready. My wife spoke to her boss, and was able to take all of her annual and sick leave. 

We packed our bags and drove back to my Aunts house where we began to make preparations for her to come home. We spoke to the palliative community nursing team, and explained who we were and what assistance we would need.

When my Aunt came home, life became more difficult. My Aunt had always been very independent, and as a result she didn't want particular people coming to the house to visit, she didn't want aspects of her condition to be discussed with family members, and she had made very specific comments regarding her funeral. This put me in a very tight spot, as family would ask about her and I didn't want to lie, nor did I want to betray my Aunts trust. I was in a no-win situation. 

Each day that passed, she ate less and spent more time in bed. Nighttime was the worst, she became very confused and would forget that my wife and I were staying with her. My wife and I took it in turns, one of us would stay awake and watch her, while the other tried to get some sleep, and vice versa.

I'm not a religious person, but I found myself asking....praying, that she would pass. Medically we were coping with what was required for pain relief, but I wasn't coping seeing my Aunt when she was in her confused state at night. If my Aunt had any say, she wouldn't have wanted anyone to see her like that either.

One day, my Aunt called my wife, myself and two other family members into her room, and said that she wanted us to stay with her, because she wanted to talk to us. Just as she said that, the community nurse arrived. After the nurse had moved my Aunt about and administered more medication, my Aunt was sore and feeling nauseous. I asked her if she wanted everyone to come back in? She told me that she felt sick and wanted to have a little sleep. I told the other family members, that she had changed her mind and I passed on what she said. 

Those were the last words my My Aunt spoke to me, as she didn't wake up. I will never know what she wanted to talk to us about, and to this day, I feel like I was the one who prevented my family from speaking to her in her last days, even though it was at her request. It is a feeling I cannot shake. 

Two days after my Aunt said that she wanted to have a little sleep, she passed away on 23rd July 2013. I think of her everyday, sometimes it's because I catch a glimpse of her photo that sits on our piano, but mostly it's because I miss visiting her, talking on the phone and receiving her silly joke emails. She told me that she would give me a sign if there was something on the other side,  I haven't seen the sign yet, but I hope that where ever she is, she has found peace.

Hospital, Cancer and Chemo

Okay, so where to from here? My Aunts specialist informed us, that the prognosis was not good. However with a combination of surgery and chemo, there was a slim chance that she would beat it. My Aunt was terrified, she had never had a day of illness in her life and had never spent a day in hospital.

The surgery went to plan and when she was ready to be released, I took leave from work to care for her at home while she recuperated. Once her surgical wound healed, chemo started. A good friend of her's drove her to her weekly chemo appointments and family and neighbours checked in on her daily as she lived alone. I would drive from work Thursday afternoon and stay with her until Saturday or Sunday afternoon, depending on how she was feeling.

The chemo continued for weeks, but once it was finished, her blood tests showed that there may be some hope. The chemo clinic presented her with a chemo graduation certificate and advised her of her ongoing checkups. While my Aunt tried to get back to her normal life prior to cancer, I decided to continue working only four days a week. This gave me a regular day to schedule my psychiatrist, psychologist and GP appointments as I had been juggling them while my Aunt was ill. Plus it was one less day of work related stress that I had to deal with.

As I was diagnosed with Bipolar around the same time my Aunt was diagnosed with cancer, I hadn't told her about my diagnosis, for two reasons:- 1. She had enough to worry about and 2. I didn't want her to feel that she couldn't count on me for support.

Over the next couple of months, life continued as it does. My Aunt was feeling stronger and I continued trying different medications. I had decided that I wouldn't tell her about my Bipolar until it was completely sorted, as sometimes the medications played with my head a bit, and some days I really didn't feel like discussing anything, let alone talking about Bipolar or how I felt. I knew that she wouldn't be happy that I had kept it from her for so long, but I would cross that bridge when I got to it.

One night, three months after my Aunt received her chemo graduation certificate, I received a phone call from a family member, who advised me that they had just taken my Aunt to the Hospital Emergency Department. As it was late and my Aunt was now asleep, my wife and I traveled to the hospital early the next morning.

When the Doctor arrived at my Aunts bedside, the news was what I had secretly feared, yet I was hoping I was wrong. The cancer had returned and there were no surgical or chemo options available. In a total of ten months, my Aunt had gone from a strong, healthy and independent woman without a care in the world, to being offered palliative care.

More Appointments And A Phone Call

I'll pick up where I left off on my last post, the medication roller coaster was about to start. My psychiatrist prescribed a mix of medications which I had to gradually increase over a number of days. The first three days were the worst.... I had stomach cramps, headaches, sweats, shakes, nausea, and dizziness. I stayed on this medication for about two weeks until my next psychiatrist appointment. I also had to have a blood test before my next appointment to check the medication toxicity levels. Just as my body had adjusted to the medication, my next psychiatrist appointment was upon me. I was still experiencing the mood swings, however they were not to the degree that they once were. So the psychiatrist doubled what I was already taking, and guess what happened next? I had a repeat performance of the first three initial days. It was awful.

During this time I was working full time in a stressful position, it was a private medical company and we had deadlines to meet daily. If you woke up one day and were feeling unwell, it was far better to stay home rather than go to work and attempt to do your job. Well, I was going to work everyday, I couldn't stay home 'just in case' a side effect stuck. The medication dulled my senses and I often felt that everything was moving very slowly, I knew that I wasn't working to the capacity that I once was. I was also aware that my work colleagues knew something wasn't right, this made me feel self conscious. Due to the dull/slow feeling that I was experiencing, I also felt that some days I shouldn't have been behind the wheel of a car, as I felt that my response time had been compromised - it was a forty minute drive to work.

I had more blood tests and more psychiatrist and psychologist appointments. My medication was also changed many times as some medications didn't work or they had quite unpleasant side effects. I was starting feel like I was going to run out of medication options and I was worried about where that would leave me.

Now for those of you who have read my discontinued blog, you'll know that I'm really good at just changing the subject halfway through, which is what I am about to do right now..... For good reason. It's all very well for me to write about what was happening in my own world, but as we all know, during our own ups and downs, life on the outside carries on, with or without us.

One morning I was at work and I was on my break, and I noticed that I had a text message from my wife asking me to call her at home. The alarm bells started to go off straight away! My wife had never asked me to call her, as it was often difficult for me to make private calls at work, so I knew it was something serious. I rang my wife and she told me that she had just spoken to my Aunt, who told her that she had been diagnosed with cancer, and had a specialist appointment the next day. I was gutted.

I spoke to my boss and asked if I could go home, and if I could also have the next day off, as I wanted to attend the appointment with my Aunt. Thankfully my boss was very understanding, and allowed me to have the time off work. Once I got home I asked my wife to repeat everything my Aunt had said, I then rang her. I spoke to my Aunt for quite a while, she didn't want us to visit that day (we lived 1.5 hours from her home) but she did want us with her when she saw the specialist. 

I just want to take this chance to mention, that sometime prior to being diagnosed and beginning treatment for bipolar disorder, I had very seriously hurt and offended some immediate family members. This had resulted in a huge family breakdown. Apart from one cousin (the daughter of another aunt who is deceased) and my Aunt who had just been diagnosed with cancer (and my wife of course) I had no other family.

I want to say, that medication used in the treatment of bipolar disorder does change the way you think, feel, and respond to absolutely everything. Before I was receiving medication, I thought what I felt and thought was normal, because this was how it had always been. I used to have hundreds of thoughts racing through my mind constantly. My thoughts were erratic and my behaviour followed. I also had the mood swings combined with the highs and the lows. After taking the prescribed medication, I began to notice a change in my pattern of thoughts, and this slowly resulted in me examining my past. I reflected on everything from previous relationships, arguments, friendships, lifestyle choices... All of them, both good and bad. 

At the time my Aunt was diagnosed with cancer, my medication still wasn't right and the psychiatrist was still prescribing different combinations hoping to find a mix that would suit.